February 4, 2008 – Last night I fell asleep with my daughter in my arms. Small, tender, still-pudgy, soft Eliana. All of four years old and so dear, when I saw her in her pink, pink bed in her pink, pink room, eyes-open still awake, and asked if she’d like to lay with me in my bed, she literally leaped from the covers to trail after me down the hall. In the dark of my room, with the far window shade up so I could see the snow, I lay eyes-open, holding her warm small body, and thinking about how much I’ll miss her when she has to stay at her father’s house. But I guess that is the price of divorce. 
I had to swallow the ache because I couldn’t tell her how I felt. Rule number one in the Divorced Parents Handbook is don’t detract from your children’s relationship with your ex-spouse. In theory, I want my children to have a close relationship with their father because he is, after all, their father. But in reality, I want them to be with me all the time.
Does every relationship come with a price? My three children – gifts, all – will learn in time that their father does not have it together. They will be disappointed by him. But he is their father, he is IN them, and so they will love him and forgive his flaws, forever. I suppose that is the price of a parent-child relationship.
There have been moments when I’ve felt that hole-in-the-middle can’t-swallow ache of impending divorce. One of those came last night, after I hung up the phone with a man I’d met recently. We never met in person, just chatted by phone, but last night he suggested that perhaps we shouldn’t chat too often until I am officially divorced, since a) you never end up with the first person you meet after you split, b) that’s a lot of emotional investment, and c) being in the middle of a divorce is like being in a jungle without a guide.
When I hung up the phone, it hit me that along with the absence of tension, stress, and the person who has largely been the key cause of that for me during the last seven years, divorce is going to bring silence and solitude. I’ve never been really alone and I probably won’t be after my marriage ends, since family and friends will probably bang down my door when I’m feeling sorry for myself in front of a rerun of Friends.
I can already imagine those (thankfully few) nights without Asher, Eliana, and Shaya. The house will be neat and quiet. I’ll go to yoga, get sushi for dinner, perhaps rent a movie or finish some work. And then I’ll lay alone in the deafening quiet, imagining the silhouette of little bodies beside me but reaching out and feeling only the cold air.
There is of course the chance that I’ll relish the time alone, that I’ll return to ME, that I’ll be an even better mother, focused, doting, gushing love, when they’re with me. But I know there will be pockets of dangling when I’ll have to remember why I ended my marriage in the first place: because I deserve more than a life of loneliness.
Welcome to Nourish Café. This is where I’ll muse on the meaning of my life, share insights and tender moments and anger and rage and definition. Feel free to chime in, for we’re all looking for connection.
I like your blog.
Lynne, I think you have something wonderful here with your blog. I admire your honesty and your willingness to share your experiences with others who may be going through the same thing.
I’m going to devote my blog post tomorrow, over at Parent Talk Today, to telling my readers about your blog. I’ll include a link, of course. Happy to help spread the word about such a terrific blog.
Wishing you all good things!
Kathy
Actually, when the kids are “staying over,” that’s when you’ll go out without worrying about finding a sitter. Or when you have to be home. Or, perhaps, who is in your bed when you wake up in the morning.
Funny how every aspect of life has it’s blessings…
Lynne,
I can empathize with many of your feelings,
My children were much older, I wish you strength and peace.
Love,
Aunt Bev
Wow. I know I’ve heard you say all this before, but it still surprises me just the same that it gives me that pit-in-the-stomach/teary eyed feeling every time. But you’re right about one thing – you will never be alone, at least in spirit. I’m never farther than a phone call away. And, I agree wholeheartedly with Salley – you need some time to yourself to enjoy being Lynne, a woman and individual, even though the Mommy part of you might always be your favorite. Can’t wait until we can see you guys again!
I went through this 15 years ago when my son was 2 years old. I remember the pain only vaguely now (even though I did not make the decision to end my marriage). I remember wanting to just keep him for myself and not have to share. Fortunately, I didn’t let those feelings guide me, but instead made sure that my son remained geographically and emotionally close to his dad. At 17, my son is a very well-rounded and confident person who has benefitted from both of our parenting styles. He sees how different his dad and I are, and he loves us both anyway. He knows that we are happier apart, and he is glad that we do not make him choose one of us over the other. On Monday, the three of us are driving to Yale (4 hours from our homes) for a college tour – I don’t think any of us relishes the idea of riding in a car for so long together, but it is important to our son that both of his parents see the college with him. I still have many moments when I wish I didn’t have to share him, and I know that my ex-husband feels the same way. But if my first husband hadn’t left me, I would not have found the life I have with my second husband and I would not have my beautiful 12 year old daughter. My son wouldn’t have his sister or a fantastic step-dad. So, like many partings, the one 15 years ago was just the beginning of a new path. The years will hold many difficult compromises as you and your ex-husband co-parent your children, and you will likely get annoyed over and over at one another (and at traces of some of the qualities/philosophies in your children that the other does not appreciate), but you will need to put your own feelings aside (both of you) and stay connected. When I look at my well-adjusted and happy son who spends half his time with his dad, and wants us both involved in the important decisions for the next phase of his life, I know that we have done the right thing in staying close geographically, keeping the lines of communication open, and working through each difference without (too much) rancor. Good luck!
I feel for you….what you are going through and what you will go through. My children, now 7 and 4 (8 months and 4 yrs at the time of the divorce) …. resilient, flexible and strong. They will take your lead…so be strong and positive for them and love them more than you dislike your ex. Make sure no matter what, you don’t do anything to damage them…this was not their fault and they need to have a good relationship with their dad to be mentally healthy. Let go of what you can’t control (what happens at the exs) as it will just make you crazy and there is nothing you can do about it anyway. Use your resourses and be good to yourself. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and life will be good (yet different than you dreamed it would be).
Dear Lynne,
Let me introduce myself: I am your cousin, daughter of Mildred & Sid Kalikow; Mildred was Artie’s sister. We met once at your parents’ Anniversary party. I, too, am divorced from my children’t father. In an effort to help you, I tell you that it took many years but, my children finally were able to see their father for what he was and they love me more for not having pointed his faults out to them. Your pain will ease as you see your children come closer to you over the years. From your writing I can tell that you have strength and courage. I wish you well. Penny
Lynne,
Your blog is a ray of light in my life, for I am going through a divorce myself. At least, I think I am. Your honesty is just the NOURISHMENT my soul needs. I’m begging you, write everyday in your blog.
Your fellow freelance writer,
Aleea Hibbeln
Your work is heart-wrenching, raw, honest and pertinent. Thank you for “nourishing” me in your word cafe today.
blessings and love,
fellow journey-er, Anissa